"What keeps you from writing?" our teacher asked us.
"Me," I said, without hesitation. "My lack of discipline and my fear. Complete, overwhelming, all-consuming fear. The fear kills the discipline and the lack of discipline feeds the fear."
"What does that fear look like?" my analyst asked.
"It has no shape," I said. "Not yet anyway." The fear is like the monster in the jungle on Lost, I told her. The characters know when it is near, they hear the booming stomps, they feel the ground shake, they see the crushed trees, they sometimes see the bloodied bodies. Still, they don't know what this creature looks like. That is what this fear of writing looks like.
Then Netflix delivered the second season of Lost. In that season, the monster comes out of the jungle to slay Mr. Eko. "Run!" Charlie yells; but Mr. Eko stays. He stands at the edge of the treeline waiting for the monster. The monster emerges, looking just like my own (minus the red eyes and teeth), a snake of electric smoke. Eko stands powerfully, legs apart, fist clutching club. He dares the monster to come closer. The monster stops and hovers. Then, it pulls back into the jungle and evaporates.
I have to be like Eko. I have to stare down my monster and write.
By the way, I'm not even through season 2. If you know, don't tell me if something terrible happens to Mr. Eko! For once I don't want spoilers!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
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11 comments:
Isn't Lost great? I watched seasons 1-4 last year on netflix, and just finished watching season 5 as it aired this year. I love this show!
Ohmygod, yes! After getting sucked into a couple of reruns, I lined them all up in my Netflix queue. They can't get here fast enough! I have one more disc in season 2, and the first three of season 3 should arrive in the same delivery today. The non-linear style of storytelling means that, despite seeing some reruns, I still have no idea what exactly might happen next. The writers also seem to have a better grip on their mythology than the X-Files writers did. I was way into the X-Files, but at some point I stopped trying to figure out what was going on and just went along for the ride.
Ooh, I think I see the mailman driving up right now!
I expect your fear is not unusual amongst writers (and maybe all creative artists). To truly write well, you have to brave putting yourself into the work, to expose yourself to the world, and that can be pretty scary. I guess the trick is to be able to acknowledge the fear, but then not let it overwhelm you (I'm using 'you' here in the general sense).
Clio, having watched five seasons I can assure you that the mythology is incredible. Things keep unspooling, revelations keep coming, that have roots from very early on. I'm actually quite amazed at how complex and yet consistent it all is.
My writing fear is both of finishing and of not finishing. Both have serious emotional baggage hanging off of them, and both have Real Consequences.
FemaleScienceProfessor has a post up about Graphophobia, where confronting the Monster includes a friend and a cafe. Some good suggestions in the comments, also.
http://science-professor.blogspot.com/2009/03/graphophobia.html
My problem with projects is I keep thinking I can send anything out, even a query, without it looking perfect. And don't worry, I'm only on season 3 and so hopelessly behind.
Squadratomagico: I'm about 1/2 way through season 3 now, which is the season in which writers on other shows start to just make stuff up. These writers seem to have had the story plotted out for a few seasons, at least, and maybe embellish as they produce the season, but still keep hold of their ultimate goal.
Digger: Oh, god yes! Finish and not finish. It's your whole life and everything that's been done to you staring you in the face everytime you bring up the document. That link is great! Thank you!
Court: Perfectionism is probably linked to Digger's description of "finishing and not finishing." Every single word HAS to be right. HAS to be perfect. Your whole future hangs in the balance. The perfectionist in me also wants to add, "and sometimes it does!" (followed by a dramatic musical punctuation).
Bavardess: I missed your comment! That feeling of exposure even appears when writing academic papers, which you (also general!) wouldn't think could happen. Still, there it is, "you can't research! That doesn't mean that! You forgot to consider this! Your conclusions are stupid and wrong! You forgot to consider this author! You, as a human being, are the worst creature to walk the face of the earth and you should just quit the profession, go hide in a deep dark hole, and eat worms until you die of your own crapulence!"
Clio, re: your comment to Bavardess. Could you kindly remove yourself from my brain? ;)
Damn you, Clio Bluestocking. Because of this very post, I went on to my favorite free TV website to see if there was an episode or two I could peruse... and found myself bingeing, 8 eps. in a row, until 2 a.m. the morning of our (9 a.m.!) commencement! Then another 8 the next day! And now I've gone and bought seasons 2 & 3 on iTunes, and will undoubtedly fritter away many of the evenings of my research trip in Exotic Foreign City at home, in front of the computer.
Evil, evil woman.
I am now changing my name to "Lucifer Bluestocking!" I enter people's minds and assault their self-esteem, then addict them to television shows to enslave them to the screen. Soon, I shall take over the world, one blogger at a time!
Notorious PhD: It is downright addictive, isn't it? And, now, you have returned the favor by introducing me to this "free TV website" and iTunes thing. At least with Netflix, I had to pace myself!
Digger: It's all part of my evil plan, as outlined above. I have to focus my powers more strategically, however. Imagine if I could get into the brains of certain famous or powerful people and tell them to go eat worms and die of their own crapulence!
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