I have to do something about this schedule because, really, nothing says that I HAVE to do so much teaching in the summer. I didn't want to. The only reason that I'm doing so much teaching is that other people didn't get other people trained, even as they kept saying, "online teaching is the wave of the future" and "more and more classes will be taught this way." Who will teach these online classes of the future if only one person is trained to do so? Should I consider that job security?
I have to go in and say "this cannot happen" because it shouldn't, and I shouldn't be held responsible because it is. Hell, I'm cracking because it is. I can't concentrate and my nerves are shot, poking through in all of the wrong places, making me depressed.
When I say something is making me "depressed," it is the equivalent of someone else saying that their stress-induced eczema is flaring up, or migraines have returned, or something of that sort. Then, I want to drink to escape my own self. Drinking is not the smartest reaction, feeding depression with a depressant. Drinking is my early-warning system that something is very awry.
Today, I imagined breaking open my own body and walking out of it, leaving behind the shell. My thoughts have become all jumbled, and I wandered around the apartment trying to remember what I was looking for only to realize that I wanted the exit. The shadows creep out of the corners. The air feels stale and unbreatheable, suffocating. I can't read, or watch t.v., or write, or find any little place in which to escape for an hour or so of relief. A flush of dark liquid washes through me. All of the colors and light seem not quite adjusted, not quite clear. I can't do anything, and in not being able to do anything, I can do even less. This is not good.
In other words, my health is becoming impaired and it is interfering with my ability to do my job well.
I have to go in and say "this cannot happen, and here are the reasons why" -- but the reasons can't be my health. They won't be. I'll come up with a good, well-reasoned argument. I'm too tired to let other people's poor planning become my problem. I have to defend my borders. I was a good little teacher this year. I have earned a moment of respite, a moment to hope for some releif, for sanity's sake!
That is all.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
10 comments:
I know that you say that the reason can't be your health but it is a compelling reason and one with which it's hard to argue. If you're afraid of being stigmatized with regards to a mental health situation, however, you can focus on issues of fatigue and the impairment that brings to judgement (especially in assessing student work).
Good luck getting out because I expect you really need that!
I suggest simply saying things have happened that make it impossible for you to bail them out. Period. Do you think a man would offer an excuse? No. He'd simply say he can't cover it, and that would be that. There's a good reason academics 'get the summer off.' We don't. We have other commitments.
That is all. Good luck, go do it!
Hang in there! I was totally going to email you today to see if you wanted to come over for a drink ... probably best that I didn't.
*hugs*
Oh, Clio, that's so tough. I applaud your decision to set those boundaries (which is also hard but oh so important). Good luck with the conversation. I agree that you can just say "I'm too busy with other projects to take this on" and hopefully they will respect that. Hugs.
And hope that you feel better!
i agree with belle. a male prof would not have to argue or give reasons as to why he can't do all this. it should be the same for you. and if they want to argue that it's for the students because they need these courses, well, then, THEY are the ones letting the students down. you are being taken advantage of here, and they are using "you're the only one trained" as a reason to take advantage of you.
i want to say, too, and this may sound weird, that they way you described how you feel was beautiful (?) for lack of a better word. you described how you feel so well that i can say that i know EXACTLY how you feel (albeit for different reasons). take care of yourself. do what you need to do to be healthy.
((((((((((clio)))))))))))
I absolutely agree with everyone above. Don't put yourself last -- you have a right -- a basic human right -- to say no. And saying no in order to maintain a basic level of well-being is about the best reason ever to do so. Your not asking for a luxury, or special favors. You're asking for the right to make a decision freely.
I have to go in and say "this cannot happen, and here are the reasons why" -- but the reasons can't be my health.
Value your health first, otherwise you have nothing.
Wow! Thank you everyone!
Janice: I did just that. I set out my schedule, explained everything that I have done for this past year, and said that, in a state of exhaustion, I would not be able to do my job well. For reasons I will probably write about in another post, I was able to make an argument that the reputation of the school, and, indeed all community colleges rested on me not teaching the two classes in question. I was pretty proud of myself for that one!
Belle: I hadn't thought of the gendered angle; although I did think about makeing up a domestic partner and three children because no one at my institution questions the need to be with your family. Heck, if I had made my domestic partner same-sex, they would consider it a political benefit to let me take the summer off! That is one of the good things about working here. A single woman, however. Well, she lives to work, right?
I really like what you say here, "There's a good reason academics 'get the summer off.' We don't. We have other commitments." So so true!
Vuboq: You should have! I could have brought over Season 1 of "Mad Men." Then, I could make the case that I'm not turning into an alcoholic because I wouldn't be drinking alone and I wouldn't be drinking anywhere near as much as they do on that show.
Ink: I made a long version of that argument, that I'm too busy. Again, I'll post more on some of the other conflicts involved here a little later, as things pan out.
"Defend your borders" has been added to my list of mantras! I sometimes feel as if being in a vulnerable position for so long -- being in grad school, being an adjunct, being employed on soft money, being underemployed, being on one-year contracts -- puts a person in a position where they are less likely to defend their own personal borders in an effort to simply remain employed and paying the rent. I've taken on too much for so long because I felt that I didn't have the right to say "no," or that saying "no" would cause the whole delicate balance of my livelihood to crumble. I still think that too much, both out of habit and because I'm still on that one-year contract for another two semesters.
Maude: Thank you! The most depressing thing is that, up until 20 years ago (jeez, THAT long ago!) I thought that was the natural state of humanity. What I now identify as an "episode" or early warning system was "normal." I'm sorry that you've had to feel that way in your life, because, as we both know, it ain't pleasant.
Squadro and CH: Absolutely! Like I just wrote in response to Maude, I don't live in a state of fugue any longer; so when I hear the strains of "Existential Funk," I know something is wrong and would rather stop it before it happens than find myself curled up fetal and unwashed in the dark chanting "nothing matters nothing matter."
Ooooh. Now I'm giving myself flashbacks!
Anyway, thank you all so much! I'll let you know how things turn out.
Post a Comment