Just When You Think You Are Awesome, Someone Trys to Remind You That You Aren't

Yes, the old Nemesis, the Infernal Internal Fellowship Coordinator, has reared her ugly head again. To be accurate, she reared it at the end of last fall, which I wrote about, but I'm finding out how far her rearing has extended and the whole situation becomes ever more surreal and disconnected from my understanding of reality.

As I may have mentioned, I am supposed to be the Gender Studies coordinator for my campus beginning next fall. This was not a position that I sought or applied for. The program involves all three of our campuses, each campus having a coordinator. My campus being one of the two "other" campuses -- as designated by the self-proclaimed "central" and "main" campus -- we don't have much going on. That is, we don't have many gender courses at our campus, we don't have a budget, and we aren't permitted much of a role in any college-wide events. "College-wide" here meaning that the events take place on that self-proclaimed "main" campus, but with very little involvement of people from other campuses. This practice is not limited to just this program and rankles everyone at the "other" campuses.

The current Gender Studies coordinator got a bigger coordinator position in her department, and, from what I understand, no one else wanted to take on the Gender Studies coordinator position. I was approached kind at what they thought was the last minute, despite the fact that we don't have any women's history classes at our campus (and why we don't and why we can't and why getting a U.S. women's history course approved is a whole other political story involving, of course, the control of that "main" campus). Since the job involves simply publicizing the gender courses, teaching a women's studies class, and putting on a production of the Vagina Monologues (duh! and that's a whole other post, too), I said, "o.k." I mean, what the heck? Anything extra that I do will make me look extra good, right?

Everyone here was happy. The job was filled, it was filled with a pretty darn good teacher (me!) who people here tend to like, and who has a c.v. that cannot be argued with.

Guess who held this same position many years ago, before she took over the fellowships and before she was chair of her department? Yep. The Nemesis. I mention this because her former tenure seems to me the only way to explain her subsequent behavior. She probably still sees the program as her baby and fears harm will befall it in my hands. I get that; but I've also learned that it's stupid and something a person has to get over because you make choices that mean you have to let some things -- things very important to your sense of self -- go.

Meanwhile, when she got wind that I -- me, the abusive, destructive, had-to-be-censored, non-subservient former fellow -- was going to be the new coordinator of one of the dinkier branches of a program in which she is no longer involved at a campus where she no longer works -- well, she had to save the program from me.

Again, to reiterate: she doesn't work at my campus, holds no role in the program, is not even in the classroom, and is no where in any line above or below me in the organizational hierarchy. All I will be doing is publicizing classes (which, it turns out, I'm pretty good at), teaching a class, and directing a play. I may also do other things as I settle into the role, but this is the job description right now.

Clearly, I will threaten the entire program at all three campuses! In fact, I might threaten the whole college itself! Why, even the field of gender studies in its entirety might collapse under the vicious, vindictive, and destructive weight of my abusive criticism! After all, didn't wasn't her own program and the entire structure of a multi-museum national institution on the brink of destruction because of me? Why, I just might be one of the horsemen of the Apocalypse!!!!!11111ONE1!!!Eleventy!

Why, oh, why can I not use my power for good!?!?

Only SHE could save the world from me. She twiddled her butt over to the dean's office at her campus. A dean who, incidentally, is no where in the in the chain of command above below or anywhere near me. A dean who could not pick me out of a line-up. A dean whom I could not pick out of a line-up. Indeed, I don't think that this dean or I have ever met on any occasion. This dean had never heard my name, and certainly had not ever seen my credentials.

The Nemesis recounted my sins, all based on evidence that she herself deleted, and convinced the dean that I would be the utter destruction of the program. They then went to the college-wide head of the gender studies program -- again, someone who has never met me and does not know any of my credentials -- and convinced her of my evil, hateful nature. The college-wide head then contacted the current coordinator and said, "I absolutely cannot work with her." Never met me, but cannot work with me. To be fair, unlike the other haters in this little melodrama, she and I would be in the same chain of command in regard to this program.

Incidentally, I was originally supposed to take over this coordinator position this spring -- as in right now -- but because of these objections, the current coordinator had to stay in the position for the spring, and the person she was supposed to replace in her new position had to stay in it for the spring, despite other professional commitments already made. That person ended up overextended this semester and just had a major medical attack last week that led to time in an ICU. What is that saying about the butterfly effect: that a control freak twiddles her butt on one campus and a professor on another ends up in intensive care?

Meanwhile, the current coordinator (I think I gave her the name Sam? Or Pat? I really need to get my character names straight!) laughed raucously at the "I absolutely cannot work with her" comment. As she told me later, "As if that head actually works 'with' anyone!" The current coordinator says that she does not have to deal with the head on any occasion whatsoever in the regular course of the semester, and only hears from that head when the head wants something, like to approve already foregone decisions such as, "we have already decided to do X, so we need you just to sign off on it."

The last foregone conclusion was a conference. "We have decided to have the conference at your campus this spring and you will have to plan it by yourself," the current coordinator was told. "We just need you to say 'yes.'" To which the current coordinator said, "hell NO," and OUR dean backed her up by saying, "I concur, 'hell NO.'"

Which, now that I think about it, if that is the way that she operates, then she really couldn't work with me because I don't really like being told what my opinion is. Doesn't it suck when a woman, who is supposed to be a sister, mansplains?

Of course, now I'm going on the same sort of hearsay and gossip to judge her as she is going on me. Except, I'm not holding up people administrative changes and causing a lot of people a lot of problems based on that hearsay and gossip. I'm just bitching in a semi-anonymous vacuum with worse consequences for myself than for anyone else.

Anyway, the more of this tale that I learn, the more that I wonder at the logic involved. The fellowship wanted me because I had good ideas and directly relevant expertise on the subject of the fellowship. When I offered my ideas and expertise, I was accused of being abusive, of slandering other people's credentials, and of being destructive. Then, I was censored. I remove myself from the situation, which should have been a relief to the Nemesis, and instead she starts a vendetta. I agree to take on a position to which she has no current connection, which no one else wanted, and which makes happy everyone with whom I would have regular contact, and she has to run a campaign to prevent this. What is her end game here? What is her investment? She clearly want to prevent me from holding the position MORE that I want to hold it.

I write about this here because it is so perplexing. It doesn't affect my sense of myself. My dean gave me some recommendations to "rehabilitate my reputation" with the three people at the other campus, the Nemesis, the Other Dean, and the Program Head -- as if my reputation could ever be rehabilitated with the Nemesis short of prostrating myself before her inflated sense of wisdom, and as if I had a reputation with the other two in the first place. One of these recommendations involved bringing speakers to campus, which freaked me out because I have no idea how to do such a thing.

Rather, I HAD no idea. I ended up drawing upon faculty at all three of our campuses and running with another faculty member's idea (with full the approval and participation of that faculty member) to have a series of speakers to commemorate the anniversary of a Big Historical Event. Now I have different faculty members and their professional friends giving talks on some aspect of the Big Historical Event through the end of the semester and into the fall. I started with our faculty because I had to learn simple things like reserving rooms and publicizing events, and to do it with absolutely no money whatsoever.

Turns out, I'm kinda good at that. Not professional, but I am learning what needs to be done and am doing it. We will see just how good I am at it after the first event happens on Monday. I have a bit of anxiety about getting butts in the seats without the promise of pizza and cokes. Nonetheless, I'm rather stoked about having pulled the whole damn thing together this far. If it is successful, maybe I can beg enough money for pizza at the next one!

That, combined with the fact that I've finished this article, and that I'm having a really good semester in teaching, is the source of my "I kinda awesome" feeling. That feeling makes me look at that Nemesis, the Other Dean, and the Program Head and think that, whatever their issue with me, they are losing more in rejecting me than I am if I am not allowed to take the position. On top of that, I am not engaging in this -- other than sorting it out here -- and I have this serene feeling of rising above it all. There haven't been too many times in my life where I found myself in a situation in which I felt calmly and with great certainty and detachment that "I am better than this," but this is one; and I laugh at the behavior of my supposed "elder sisters."