I want to write about my trip, but every time I try, I sink into a state of despair. Sometimes the problem with getting a break is that, when you return, you only realize just how miserable you are in your everyday life.
I spend every day feeling like I am at the bottom of a deep, murky pond in the middle of a dark swamp. My feet are tangled in weeds at the bottom and tied to weights. Tiny minnows nibble my living flesh. I struggle in death throes, trying to break free, too get to the surface, to breathe, and every thrash drains me of energy, makes the effort more futile. Yet, not struggling will only lead to the same inevitable end, except the end will be longer in coming; and, while I don't want an end, if it must come, let it come soon. Let it come now.
That's how my days feel. On my trip, I didn't feel a bit like that for even a fraction of a second. I felt alive, I felt intelligent, I felt like I was contributing to the world and experiencing the world. I felt alive. Coming back, I feel like I'm drowning and being eaten to death in very small bites, all at the same time -- tied to the bottom of a pond, nibbled by minnows.
Part of my problem is my situation, but part of it is the way that I deal with it. I have to find a constructive way to deal with it; but something has to be done to ease the pressure, even just a tiny bit, in various places. Just a little in even one place might sort a chunk of the rest out. I'm just too deeply in despair to figure out where.
At least I'm not binging on sweets and I am still working out. At least I am not thinking that I'm a total failure at everything. These are improvements; but I'm still at the bottom of the pond being eaten by fish.
Monday, October 18, 2010
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7 comments:
oh, hey - classic description of depression. i wish you luck in either improving your situation, or improving the way your brain reacts to it.
Clio? Get thee to a doctor who can either evaluate you for depression or give you a referral. Post haste! If you're on meds, they're not working. If you're not, you may need them and/or therapy.
I know that doctors can be jerks and health plans can be barriers, but this is serious stuff. If you can't get anything right now, see if there's someone who does faculty care at the student health centre or someone in the psych department who can give you pointers as to who in town might be helpful.
The first step to getting out of this is telling someone that you need help. You've told us and we're telling you what to do next. Please check in and let us know you're working on it.
Shadowsong, depression and I are old friends from way back. I need all the luck I can get -- thank you!
Janice, thank you, too. Never fear! I saw the analyst today and picked up my prescriptions, so I've got all of the treatment side covered, including the very lucky privlege of insurance (not that it thinks treatments for mental health are particularly vital, but I do have some coverage).
My biggest problem, all medical and friendly sources say, is the stress of my job. Five/five -- 2/2 of which are online, all different courses -- is a killer. While I like teaching just fine, I don't love it and it isn't the place in my work where I get the most satisfaction. Research and writing are. Meanwhile, I have no time for research and writing, and I'm completely burned out on teaching and getting worse. Then, there's the guilt for feeling any of this -- the burned out, the feelings of being weak for not being able to handle it better, the feelings of being unworthy of having a job and even unentitled to the job because I am burned out. This has all created a situation in which my mood has eroded to the point of what is headed toward a full-blown depressive episode. NOT good.
I'd rather have a full-blown, weeping & wailing, anxiety attack because that lasts about an hour and is a release. I don't have time for a depressive episode (if I did, I wouldn't be facing one).
Anyway, thank you so much for your concern; but don't worry, as I said, I have the situation covered in terms of professionals. The rest -- well, that's the cliffhanger. What do I do to deal with the situation more constructively? That, I'll have to figure out.
Coming back from Europe and facing the political realities of the U.S. is really tough. Plus a 5/5! Wow- Seriously big hugs to you.
On the plus side, I hear having your feet nibbled by minnows leaves them soft and smooth. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
Could be worse. You could have a 6/6 this year like I do.
GayProf, oh my god I loved England! People were quiet, and polite, and didn't drive SUVs everywhere. You could drink in a pub and have a conversation. I was pissed off by American rudeness before I even got off the plane.
I hadn't thought about the exfoliating properties of minnows. Thanks!
Ubab, 6/6? Dang! Who'd you piss off? Or is that the sort of thing they do in non-union shops in order to avoid "furloughs"? You have my total sympathy.
Not sure which is worse, what you are going through, or simply having no money.
The Prozac always used to seem to work, I have seen the results of it's use and lack of access to it.
I suspect something else is wrong, and I probably need to read more posts in order that I might understand it, if I can at all.
Anyway, best wishes. Get a net, minnows only nibble, and you can gut them and fry 'em up Cajun/Texas style!
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