December 7: Community.

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

Some people balked at the wonder prompt. I didn't have a problem with that one. I spend my life in that sort of prompt in order to pull myself out of the melancholy that defines my regular existence. Blame Jungian analysis. It is no mistake that I tag these "Online Therapeutic Ramblings."

No, this community prompt is the prompt that I have a problem with.

I don't object to the premise. After all, most of these prompts are your garden variety, introduction to creative writing or introduction to psychotherapy types of prompts. You go as deep as you want to, or not. You can write your answer to your own question, or the one asked. The whole point is just to write, right? I simply don't want to deal with this question.

If I did want to deal with this question, however, I could take the writing in one of two directions, neither of which I have time for at this particular moment. The first direction would involve the reasons that I don't want to deal with this question. Community takes effort. I don't have the energy to exert that effort, nor the knowledge as to what effort should be exerted. At least, not the knowledge as to how to exert that effort without constantly feeling that the people in the community do not really want me around.

Analysis hasn't quite reached the level of community, yet, beyond my realization that this issue is a whole big thing connected to the string of really nasty communities to which I have belonged in the past that have left me with the feeling that the effort of creating or belonging to a community might not be worth the effort, that I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Actually, I've moved beyond that. I can now find communities that are very much worth the effort. I just live in deep and desperate fear that the functional community will ultimately discover that I am not worth having around. After all, who wants a person who bitches and moans and is socially awkward around all of the time? Who makes odd and ill-timed jokes that rub people the wrong way? Who says things that come out wrong and offends everyone? Who seems completely clueless as to how to keep a simple conversation going? I must save them from myself!

Ah, the smell of alienation in the morning! Smells like sheer and utter defeat. You can see why I wouldn't exactly want to go down that road.

The other direction has nothing to do with me. When I took a creative writing class, the instructor had us do similar, free-writing exercises, except we were supposed to direct them toward our project. That is, if the prompt were something like, "how did you get your name?" then the "you" of our prompt would be one of our characters. I began to think that this might be an interesting exercise to use for a historic subject, just to toss around and explore different ideas about them.

The person I was considering for this prompt was Anna Murray, the first Mrs. Frederick Douglass. I am giving a paper on her in February, and want to propose one for a conference. The February paper will be an overview of her life, a 45-minute biological sketch of her in which I draw out the several themes of her life.

One of the themes I am trying to tease out in research is this idea of community. Who was her community? As her husband became ever more famous and travelled in circles that often disdained or condescended to her, as her husband brought white women to live in their home as his intellectual companions (and perhaps more), as she lost one daughter and her husband sent the other away or encouraged her to emulate those white women, who did Anna turn to for friendship, comfort, familiarity, and conversation. To whom did she bitch about her husband? Who did she have to leave behind in Baltimore to follow this husband into this new life? Who did she leave behind in New Bedford and Lynn to follow him to Rochester? Who did she lean on when he spend years in Europe? We know about his community, but what about hers? The two were not necessarily the same, so what impact did that have on their marriage and how did that affect how each defined themselves.

So, you see, I could write a lengthy post from the point of view of Anna Murray Douglass here. In fact, I really really really want to write it. The problem is that the clock struck 7 am twenty minutes ago and I really need to hop in the shower and put on the costume for the day so that I won't be late for my first class.

Hey, maybe this Reverb10 program will have a prompt about burnout? Because -- damn! -- right now I'm as burned out as a heretic. Feel like one, too.

Prompt: What has burned you out this year? Describe the burnout. What were its contributing factors? What did it keep you from doing? How did it consume your time and energy? What will help you overcome or avoid the burnout next year?

Too negative? Do you not want to be part of a community with me anymore? Should I protect you from my tsunamis of gloom?

Well, I will, for now, because I have to hit the showers.