Tuesday, April 17, 2012

This Enters the Territory of TMI

Remember the days when Bill Clinton smoked but didn't inhale? I used to joke that, after having gone to so many concerts at which people turned the entire venue into one big bong, I had inhaled but hadn't smoked. Really! Thus, I could become president without question (except for the whole having a vagina thing. Oh, and the feminist thing).

Now, my vagina and its associated lady parts have entered the same twisted world of semantics. You see, for the past ten years I have had sex. In fact, I have had sex out of wedlock, sometimes kinky, and in sometimes unconventional arrangements. Yet, by the most recent definition of the word, I am not a slut. I am not a slut because I have not taken birth control in the past decade.

Before you gasp and chastise me for irresponsibility, let me assure you that I consider condoms to be disease rather than birth control, and I have had some more permanent measures in place that ensure no babies. Ever.

Yet, despite those permanent measures and despite having just received my monthly bill, I seem to be pregnant. Can you beleive it? A few years ago I had learned that, as a woman, I should always consider myself to be in a state of pre-pregnancy, but now, according to the state of Arizona, I actually am pregnant. I didn't even have to conceive! This is going to come as a HUGE surprise to my empty uterus.

Is there no end to the dumbassery?

For the humor and satire challenged, please note that I am NOT actually pregnant. Before the permanent measures, I always took birth control pills AND used a condom; and, I think the term "slut"is narrow, regressive, gynophobic and misogynist and utterly without meaning in the real world in which actual women live.


Notorious Ph.D. said...

Hey, well if we're all pregnant now, can we all hold baby showers? And ask for stuff for OURSELVES?

And on the topic of slutmantics, you might get a kick out of this video clip (if nothing else, for the happy dancing):


Susan said...

Congratulations on a miraculous pre-pregnancy!

You kind of wonder when the crazy will stop.

Clio Bluestocking said...

Notorious Ph.D.: That video is hilarious! "Responsible with my behind!"

And yes, yes, a baby shower with stuff for ourselves! And cake!

Susan: Thank you!

If only it were just crazy -- you can treat a mental illness. I'm afraid it is either willful hate or something deeper as described by Comradde Physioproffe. Does that make me intolerant for thinking that? Then, I suppose I'm intolerant.

Digger said...

Holy shit, that means I'm pregnant 24 out of 28 days. Won't everyone I know be surprised... Next they'll decide our periods are illegal, because they make us not-pregnant for a few days a month. Alternatively that our periods are our children. Who do I see about child support 12x per year??

Clio Bluestocking said...

Now, Digger, don't go give them any ideas!


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